Excerpt from my potential novel

I have been slowly gathering random scenarios I thought up that I hope someday I can sew together to make a coherent novel.  Here is today's snipbit 

"They gave me this stone at anger management class.  It was a nice, smooth, round stone with the words"Peace" engraved on it.  The counsellor said every time that I feel my rage is building up to grasp the stone in my hand and let the feel of it, it's coolness and the word upon it cool me down.  I did that, and what a valuable lesson it was.  I also remembered that peace needs to be shared, and so I passed that stone along to the person who angered me.  It is sitting in her living room now.  I hope she too will learn as I have, as she stands there with that stone in her hand, feeling the breeze coming through where her living window used to be. "

Happiness is blip

People often talk about happiness, the need to be happy at all times... I am not so sure about that.  I think it is alright to be sad, to feel down.  You know as they say, "too much of a good thing can be bad".  I think it is natural to face the "darker" aspects of our emotions.  That is what it means to be human, to experience the full spectrum of who we are- the good and the bad. I think we need to acknowledge what we are capable of feeling.

Asking to be happy all the time is like trying to find a viagra for life, and you know what they say at the end of every commercial, you will need to see a doctor if you have an erection lasting longer than 4 hours.  I think in part what makes the good "good" is its ephemeral nature.  It is like catching a glimpse of something beautiful, perhaps a pretty girl as you walk down the street. Your heart skips, you do a double take, and she is already pass you by.  Oh it doesn't have to be a lasting impression, but what lingers afterwards for a few seconds, that increase in pulse, that sudden interest - that's is what makes life worth while in of itself. Often times, all we need is a sudden burst of happiness to fuel us as we face being alone, depressed, and what have you because at least we know we are alive for a moment, happy for a moment, and we can hope we will experience it again.  

Evil is not obvious

They said that the greatest trick the devil has ever pulled was convincing the world that he does not exist. I think that is why it is hard to deal with evilness at times. Most evil people do not have a clue that they are evil. Evil doesn't come up like a flashing beacon, it doesn't happen overnight. No, it creeps and it seeps, until gradually one is turned towards the dark side. Evil is in t

he little acts and acts of omission. It is being autocratic in the guise of being principled; of being sly under the facade of being artful. Evil can be charming, it knows how to appease, it knows how to manipulate the naive and appeal to the sympathetic. Often times that is how good succumbs to the wiles of evil-under the pretense of other virtues. Evil dwells on certainties, and by default prey amongst the insecurities. In contrast, the good is comfortable with mysteries, and lives in a world of wonder and possibilities; good is ready to believe in the goodness of others. Yet that very existence allows the good to be always vulnerable to temptation, to straddle upon the verge of careening slowly in the path of the fallen. For devils are naught but fallen angels.

Thank you

It dawned on me that it has been over 10 years since I left home and be on my own.  Ironically, it is perhaps the longest I have been anywhere.  I have been most blessed that along the way I have garnered the love of many. People who have opened their hearts and their homes to me so that I may never feel the full blunt of homesickness.  To my friends at William and Mary, those within the field of Audiology, my various church families, and friends that go way back, THANK YOU.  To my parents, Godparents, American parent thank you... without your upbringing, your influence I would not have been as "lovable".  I wouldn't have won the admiration of so many others. I can laugh readily, I can forget hurt easily because there is a flame within me that refuses to be dimmed.  A flame started by my parents, fuel by true companionship, oxidized by  friendship and heated by many shared moments.  Thank you.

Progeria

I feel as if a man growing in reverse.  

When I was but a child I was content with a book in hand.  

The need for play and companionship a passing notion.  

I respected my elders and I hardly questioned authority.  

I was thought of as a serious child, mature for his age.  

Yet as I grow older I find myself being more irreverent.  

My thoughts towards childish notions engaged;

I feel the desire to be selfish and self-indulgent.

I don't act as I once was -calm, quiet and collect.

I come across an untried youth- impatient and inexperienced.

Where have I gone astray?  Which path ought I have taken?

The child who once was old? Or the adult who acts a fool?

I long to see the world through eyes of child-like innocence.

Unblemished, imaginative, unlimited.

I wish to be more mature, evolved and empathic.

Most importantly, I wish to be idiotically happy,   

Easily amused, always inquisitive, and ready to believe.

Whatever age I may be, may I never be confined by conventions,

Fettered by inactions or lack of imagination.  

May I be, just be- young, old, wise, fool, all in one.  

Live Strong

So Armstrong is tired of fighting the charges and that automatically implies guilt... the people who believe that must never have been in a position themselves where they were oppressed by an overwhelming "authority"; an authority that does not play fair, have ulterior motives, unscrupulous in their means to further their personal agenda. An authority with a total lack of transparency and accountability. Until you have been in that position, and experienced for yourself the emotional turmoil, the constant paranoid, the frustration, and the gradual degradation of oneself that is induced through the drama. The damn-if-you-do-and-damn-if-you-don't situation. Until you have been there, you are in no position to make that judgement. When you go against such authority, you lose a bit of yourself bit by bit. You hope for their goodness only to be disappointed when they take advantage or refused to play fair. Subsequently, you feel you must sink to their level in order to get by, and you give up a bit of your principles. Suddenly, you realized you have really two choices, either be false to yourself and follow their way, or stay true and quit the fight before it takes too much away from you because misery loves company, and those oppressors only will bring you further down with them if you continue to engage them. So I say I continue to support Armstrong. I believe in his innocence until proven otherwise by an unbiased panel, with principled investigators and prosecutors.

Patience with flatulence.

My patient sat uncomfortably across from me in the tiny booth. He began to fidget, he started to stammer, I can see goosebumps forming on his arms, the tightening around the corner  of the lips. I thought it may be his guilty conscience acting up as I forced him to confess that he has not been wearing his hearing aids.  It was not until I got up to leave the booth and heard the resounding fart and the ensuing sigh of relief that I realized all this time he was holding back, and that ultimately I was spared. My faith in humanity is restored. Gosh, I love audiology.

Common goal

Please help me understand this: How can you condemn someone for being a member of the elite, claiming them to be out of touch with the common folk while throwing enthusiastically your support behind a party that is doing it's darnedest to retain the wealth to a selected few on the highest strata of socioeconomic ladder? By and by, when is looking out for your fellow human and striving for your own success mutually exclusive? You condemn socialized programs because it spread resources to "undeserving" people, "robbing the rich and giving it to the poor", but have you ever consider how much resources is already wasted because the poor continues being worst off, the middle class continue to bear the blunt of being stuck in the middle.

There is no perfect system, one party is not necessary better than the other, but I think we can at least all sit down and agree on the fundamentals.  We need to stop demonizing one another.  I think it is great that everyone has passion about what they believe, but that passion doesn't necessary precludes us from sharing ideas in a cordial manner.  We need conversations, we need to act at each other's sounding board.  It is ok to disagree, but disagree with the facts, not the person.  There are principles, and then there are ways to actualize them.  

Also, regardless of what station you are in life, there has to be some sort of equalizer. If you are in a good place, that equalizer serves to remind us that we can fall anytime, and that we can equally come back from it because we were there once.  For those who are downtrodden, that equalizer gives hope that they too have the opportunity to be better.  Ultimately,  I think it is better to implement a reset button we can control than to allow things to get completely out of hand and implodes. We must move away zero sum game and return to win-win scenarios.

My sitcom

There have been times in my life when I wondered to myself, "Gee, wouldn't it be nice if my life was some sort of situation comedy, and I have amazing writers feeding me incredible lines, and I leave my audience happier and inspired." And in a way, I kind of have that, because most of the things I have said, the thoughts I have had, they are the result of the people in my life. My team of writer

s, my editors, producers (if I may be so crass) are in fact my many friends and family, teachers and mentors. Whether I realize it or not, recognize it or not, you have all influenced me and made my life more entertaining than most sit coms. I laugh, I cry, I love, I dance, I sing, I remain curious and imaginative all because there are individuals out there who continue to explore with me, expand the horizons for me, and allow me the room to express. So, thank you.

A very funny patient

I have been told that humor is a defense mechanism, employed to deflect attention away from the real issue at hand.  Well, if that is the case, my patient is having some full blown issues... but I have got to give him credit for making me laugh.  Here are some excerpts from our conversation

Me: "So, what brings you here today"

Patient: "My wife." (at which point his wife promptly but playfully slaps him)

Me: "How's your hearing?" 

Patient: "I don't know, they haven't set a trial date yet."

Me performing otoscopy while the patient's spouse sits on the other side

Patient: "Hey doc, you look like a nice fellow, but I don't want you eying the missus with that scope."

Patient's spouse: "Oh hush you, you have got too much hair in there for him to get a clean look anyway" (technically true...)

Me: "Is there anything you have avoided doing because of your hearing loss?"

Patient (whispers conspiratory): "Oh, a special pretty young thing (winks at wife), you know, because I can't hear her coming, and I don't want to get [hearing] aids."  (Yes folks, he officially earns the title of being that dirty old man). 

Me: "Do you hear ringing in your ears?"

Patient: "No, but I drool a lot, and I wish someone would answer the phone."

Me: "What do you want most out of your hearing aids?" 

Patient: "To hear my wife... sneaking up behind me."

Me; "Do you have trouble following conversations in noisy environments?"

Patient: "No, but I gotta tell ya, it seems conversations follow me around, behind my back.  Ask her, she knows what I am talking about." (Gestures towards his wife).

Me; "Alright, I am going to have you repeat some words for me."

Patient: "Did my wife gave you some cue cards earlier?  She must have, she always have words for me."

Patient (me on the other side of the booth): "Honey, I think the kid is getting fresh with me.  He is whispering dirty words I can't repeat in your presence."

Patient: "Gee, doc, I wish I have met you earlier, I would have asked you to build me a booth like this, would have made a great guest room for my mother-in-law."

What a treat it was working with this patient and his wife.  Married for nearly 52 years, and such wonderful flow of humorous dialogs between the two.  He may have a whopping hearing loss, but to see these two communicate beyond words is quite marvellous.  

My views

Before I continue further I would like to make it very clear that what follows below are my personal views on a matter that is very contentious and evokes strong emotional responses from those who care greatly about it.  I make no claims to be an expert on the matter, and it is not my intention to offend anyone.  I welcome your feedback provided it is not intentional hurtful, irrational, distasteful. 

By now I suppose there is quite a few of you who have heard the news that the Episcopal Church, via the General Convention, has approved a Rite to Bless Same Sex Couples.   You can read more about it here: http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=156584940

In a nutshell (which does not do it justice), it is basically a declaration that the Episcopal Church is recognizing and accepting people of different sexual orientations into its fold.  If truth be told, I have often thought that such a declaration is redundant, I would even venture that it was pre-ordained that people of different sexuality is welcomed to the church as the slogan of the Episcopal Church is “The Episcopal Church welcomes you” and not “The Episcopal Church Welcomes you, except if you are…”    

In the few short days since the news came out I have been bombarded with amusement, bemusement, questions, sneers, and jeers from various people who knew of my Episcopal inclination.   First off, I stand by what has been decided at the General Convention, and am proud of the way in which it was made.     I think the dialogs were conducted with much prayer, thought, heart, intellect and positive regards to all the parties involved. That which has always attracted me to the Episcopal Church- the willingness of its members to be open and discuss in a cordial manner all things under the sun. 

To those who inquire of my stance on the views on people of different sexual orientations, and my stance on the Episcopal Church’s decision to approve a Rite Blessing Same Sex  Couples:

1. It is none of my business, and for that matter yours, what people’s sexual orientations are within the bedroom.   Let’s face it, that’s really what bothers most people anyway, it is not so much the gender of who so-and-so is attracted to, but the sexual act that occurs between those individuals that bother them.    My views are irrelevant really, because I do not have the authority to approved or pass judgment upon whom somebody should love.  It is also irrelevant what I have to say to something that occurs between two consenting individuals. My take on it is if you are a decent human being, courteous, and capable of loving someone truly, whomever that may be,  kudos to you and God bless, because He ordains it so, and nothing I do or say will cast it asunder.  Love is love.  
2.  Don’t tell me that it is blasphemy, that homosexuality it is against G-d’s wishes.  I don’t know G-d too well, and I have a feeling I will never know Him completely.  But from what I understand, He is pretty omnipotent, and completely beyond our ability to grasp, comprehend etc (totaliter aliter).  So far be it from me or you, or anyone for that matter, to lay claim what G-d’s wishes are about.   The bible hasn’t been updated in the past few years, and even what we have today has been substantially edited to fit within the views of a time frame.   That in of it self is already trying to restrict our understanding of a being whom we at the same time claim we can never fully contain, or restraint.  For that matter, I don’t think endorsing a blessing for same sex couple is an attempt to define G-d either.  If anything, it opens us to the possibility that G-d can be so, and thereby expand our horizon and potential of coming just a bit closer to knowing Him. After all, we can only hope to catch a glimpse of a higher calling, a greater being in the people around us.  We would be so bless if we are open enough so that just maybe Father, Son and Holy Ghosts, the company of the angels and archangels, saints and apostles would make themselves known to us through our fellow humans, our mutual breaking of the bread, and drinking of the blood.  A higher sampling rate, from a wider pool of people won’t hurt the process.
3. Regarding the claim that it is un-natural.  I do believe there is extensive literature that supports the existence of homosexuality within nature, e.g. in higher primates, and lower life forms.  It is only unnatural if it is imposed upon you, performed on you against your wishes, like rape.  However, from where I stand, no one is really trying to impose sexual orientation on one another.   No one has tried to convert me into homosexuality,  and I don’t think I will have any success converting my homosexual friends that they need to have intercourse with the opposite sex.    
4. I will not leave the Episcopal Church.   I am not ashamed of being part of a church that is much bigger and all encompassing.  I will not be so little of mind and narrow of heart. 

And if I am indeed so misguided, then may G-d forgive me; it is after all in His nature to do so.   But if I am correct, well, it is irrelevant,  G-d’s will be done.

My two cents' worth on politics

I don't like to engage in discourse about politics, especially here in the US.  In part because I have allowed myself to be so ensconced in my little world that I am ignorant to a lot of the issues that are on the table.  

I will however comment that another main reason that I do not engage in political discourse is I find it becoming more and more emotionally taxing and woefully lacking in intellectual stimulation.  Discourse, in all its form, should be about communication of ideas.  It should be a balance, even tempered exchange in which the engaging parties take turns to promulgate an idea, receive feed back, adjust and so forth.  Essentially, a turn-taking, check and balance system of formulating ideas with the eventuality of a well-informed executable plan.  Emotions, while valid, should be in check to allow for rational discussion.  However, if one was to examine the commentary, the verbiage used, one would perhaps witness a degeneration of intellectuality, and a deviation from civiity.  In other words, we have sunk to new lows in how we relay our ideas.  It is no longer about logic, but about emotions. 

People have always been passionate about politics, and it is a beautiful thing when citizens take up interest in what is immediately relevant to them; not to mention that it is their rights and their duty.  Yet passion should be guided by thought, it should be channeled in a meaningful manner.  The likes of Patrick Henry, Thomas Jefferson were all passionate about their ideas, and they have been to known to wax eloquent... yet despite their differences, despite the severity of the issues at hand, their passion, it did not stop them from uttering lines such as  "I may not agree with what you have to say, but I will defend to death the rights for you to say it".   It was personal, and yet, it was not.  There was a time when discourse observed certain limits, it was about the issue at hand, and not about the person.  

Politicians, party supporters, we are all human, and inherently we are all fraud.  Our intellect, our understanding is limited by our experiences from which to draw our references.  And our lives is too short for us to make every mistake, or to develop cancer so that we may know it for ourselves.  That is not a problem, it is why we congregate together from time to time, to share ideas, to seek out sounding boards, and to mutually expand our collective understanding.  We are all blind men and women, seeking to understand the elephant as a whole.  

Yes, it can be a humbling experience, as I have found for myself frequently how wrong I can be in the way I see things, but it doesn't have to be a judgement on me or anybody's character when we are wrong.  Likewise, I think we ought to stop condemning people for expressing their views, we need to be more mindful of emotion trigger words, our knee jerk gut reactions.  We need to stop shouting down at other ideas when it does not match ours.  We need to stop the needless name-calling, bully tactics, smear campaigns.  If our retort comes from a place of emotion, and not so much rationalism, it will only incite more negative energy, which is toxic and not conducive at all towards a mutualy satisfactory solution.  It degenerates to a pedestrian, sophomoric endeavor.  

An advice once given to me was if I was angry somebody (or something), don't act upon it immediately.  Instead, wait overnight, think about it, let the emotional side cool down, write out what I have to say, my thoughts, and then come morning if I still feel raw about it, and what I wrote down is still presentable, then approach the issue (now, I will confess here that I am still learning this lesson, so my aplogies to those whom I have wronged by allowing things to fester as opposed to closure).  I think this should apply to political debates as well.  Debate is not so much about "fighting", but an art of presentation and persuasion.  It is not done for the cheap laughs, or to get a cheap shot at the opponent.  Debate is an ennobling experience for the parties involve, because if done right, both walk out from it having gained something more.

Therefore, let's just sit around and share ideas in a civilized fashion.  We can be passionate, we should be passionate, but please let it be about the idea and not the person.  Let it be about enlightenment, and not our egoes.   

In solitude

Perhaps one of the most important lessons in life is learning how to live with oneself, by oneself. It is a lesson learned in solitude, in quiet contemplation. As painful as it may be, to be alone, to feel isolated, the reality is there shall come a time when one must face the world utterly alone, by the bare minimum, by one's wit and skill. It is important therefore to know oneself thoroughly through solitude. Only in knowing oneself, one's fault as well as merit, can we then began to reach out and be whole and truthful to those around us, thereby creating a symbiotic relationship based upon mutual respect as opposed to one-sided dependence.

Staying grounded

In a moment of retrospection, I realized that I have changed a lot over the years, for better and for worst.  I am grateful for the good, and little saddened by the bad.  In the midst of all that, I am grateful for friends and loved ones who know me from long before; who reminds me of my essence, my roots, and what endeared me to them.  I am still growing, still morphing, still figuring myself out.  I am excited for the adventures ahead, the new friendships, the experiences.  Yet, like any kite who wishes to fly high, I am glad for people who keeps me grounded.  I hope that I will maintain on being the decent person that I am.

Fecundity

When you come to think of it nature is pornographic, I mean you have the dragonflies constantly mating; flowers and trees forever pollenating, saying, "come hither and check out my stamen"; birds singing all through the day vying for the attention of a potential mate. As you tread deep into the woods, it is like walking down the halls of a hotel, because you know, somewhere, somehow, frogs are spawning, rabbits fornicating. The wilderness is alive, passions unchecked, decorum abandoned. Fauna and flora, critters and crawlers alike, all engaged in some sort of cosmic orgy to procreate, and sustain fecundity. The land is fertile my dear; it is a chaotic, it is loud, it is dirty, and it is deliciously filthy.

Gift of music

On a whim I went into the elderly home close to where I am interning, and there sitting in the lobby before me stood a fine-tuned baby grand piano. I sat down, and started playing, and pretty soon, I had a little group of audience. Amongst them was an elderly couple, the husband appeared very alert whereas his wife seemed pretty inert. I learned that she suffered a stroke recently which has rendered her rather handicapped, although she is still very much cognitively intact, she doesn't have much faculty over her expressions. That day, as I played, for the first time in a long while, she smiled, just a little... but it was the tears in her husband's eyes that truly got to me. I am not a good musician by any standards, but I am grateful for the gift of music that I have been given to share. Whatever gift you have, however small, share it.

The GRADUATING CLASS of 2012!!!

A little girl went to her first wedding accompanied by her grandmother. During the wedding she leans over and asked, "Grandma, why is the bride dressed all in white?".  To which her grandmother replies, "Well, honey, a bride dresses all in white because white is the symbol of happiness, and today is her happiest day."  The little girl was silent for a bit, and then gingerly she asks, "then why is the groom dressed all in black?"

Going to graduate school for a doctoral degree, I have found,  is very similar to getting married.  Remember that very first day when you walked up to be  presented with your white coat?  You were the "bride" then.  The whole world is watching you as you strut down that aisle. You, your heart beating fast, feeling nervous, elated, and not entirely sure what is going to happen, but nonetheless holding your head up high, smiling, ready to commit to the love of your profession. That long march, down that aisle, what a journey it must have been, struggling internally with yourself, "is this really happening? I have been dreaming of this for a while now, is this what I really wanted? Will I make it to the front without fainting?"

Now, four years later, you are at last standing in the front, draped in the sharpest tux of academia regalia (okay, so, metaphorically, you are marrying yourself but stay with me here).  You are now the "groom".  The image of confidence, ready to take on the responsibilities therein.  You went through all the rounds, doing the research, getting to really know the "profession",  getting the consent of the parents (::coughs:: BOARDS/Praxis::coughs::), getting the right engagement ring (give your pat on your shoulder, that "ring", it came from years of labor, of you chipping away at the rough to find the diamond within you), humbled yourself and finally gathering the nerves to ask "her" to marry you.  So here you stand, today, about to become full fledged DOCTORS!!! 

Congratulations!!! Meanwhile, don't forget the "wedding party", the "wedding guests".  You family, friends, and mentors, present  in body and/or spirit to witness this event, to offer you their support as they bear witness to your success.  Remember them, for without them, you could not have been.  Without their support, your love affair could not have been.  For like any true relationships, love of a profession, the pursuit of a profession, cannot occur in a vacuum, as much as we may dived in to it,  and neglect those around us in our single-minded pursuit, it is the support of loved ones that helps us when we have doubts, cheer us on when we are tired, protect us when we are vulnerable, and listen, and create a safe nurturing environment for the "two" of you to grow in love with as little hindrance as possible.  

Today is going to be an amazing day, a day to remember-  it is momentous.  Today we celebrate your achievement! Today, we celebrate love, love of and for what you do; namely the love for your patients, and love for your profession.  We also celebrate the love of those around you who got you through. We look forward to the continual growth of your dedication to your patients and your profession. 

And for those of us who are following in your footsteps, we are looking towards your "marriage" as the perfect role model.  We await breathlessly as you prepare to throw the "bouquet" and/or put on the "garter".  Thanks for being who you are, amazing doctors, colleagues, friends... and first and foremost - an amazing human being.  Good luck, and God Bless!             

Dear Class of 2012!

I had hope to be there to congratulate and celebrate you in person; alas, I could not, I hope you can forgive me.  What a pleasure and joy it has been to have gotten to know you.  When I look back, I realized that I owe my survival, my navigation of Salus University to a lot of you.  Had it not have been for your friendship, your wisdom, your encouragements, and your examples during those very first years, I would not fared quite as well as I did.  Each of you have been a precious role model to me, and what an honor it has been to have walked amongst each and every one of you.  

Oh, how I wanted to grab hold of each of you and beg you all to stay. How I wish that time would stop so that we could all be together. But I know that is selfish of me, for you all have a better place to fly to, you all have your individual dreams. I am so happy for each of you, for you all have fought hard. I am proud to be able to be your friend, you have no idea how much every one you touched my life, and how much each of you mean to me... so, it is with an unwilling heart, I bid you adieu and wish you every success.  Stay in touch, and when you are soaring far, high, and wide, remember me who watches for you from below.

Sincerely,

Andy LauSalus University Osborne College of AudiologyClass 2013

Core

Strengthen your core. I don't mean that in just the literal sense - building abs and all that kind of stuff. I mean it as in your values, your principles. Be true to yourself, be the best that you can be, and constantly perfect yourself. There will be tons of people who will want to influence you, who wants you to be mode a certain way; they would want to change you They would want you to feel responsible to them, beholden and the such, more than you ought to be. I am not saying you stand rigid against all of that, yield when you must. At the end of the day, if you have a strong core, if you know yourself, what you are capable of, and what you can sacrifice without losing yourself, your dignity, your integrity, your vision and purpose, then you will never be truly threatened. You will never be downtrodden no matter how oppressing and intimidating the world may be. The winds may howl, the waves may crash upon the rocks, but still you will stand, a beacon to those who truly matters.

Necessity of evil (draft)

During college I took a course in Philosophy of Religion.  Among the various subjects that were discussed was the necessity of evil; the notion that evil not only exists but is necessary.  I don't recall much of the theories, the proponent and the dissidents  (I do apologize to my professor for she taught the subject well, I am just a poor student), I do recall it being a rather sensitive subject sparking off passionate diatribes.  

As someone who was brought up in the Eastern thought of Yin versus Yang, it was a given to me that evil exists, and that a higher, omnipotent, omniscient being who has all qualities of good would allow it so.  Yet, it was not until recently that I began fully to appreciate just how much evil can exist, and that it is necessary for goodness to follow.  

One of the things I struggled with early on was the notion that G-d can be evil, and that He ordains it so that His triumph is more apparent.  For example, it was necessary for Judas to betray Jesus, there was no other option, it was pre-ordained.  To me, that was the crux of it all, that Gd allows for evil to happen, that it is necessitated in order to drive home a point.  

The past few months, I have struggled tremendously against what I thought was pure evil.  Perhaps it is not evil in the heinous sense, the likes of Hitler and Pol Pot, but evil nonetheless.  I met up against evil in its sneaky form- of pettiness, of selfishness, of egos.  I saw the devil in its artful attire- the one that reminds us that before they were called the fallen, they were once angels.   Yes, there exists evil that knows how to come off looking all saintly and righteous.  There is evil who makes the oppressed come across as paranoid and unreasonable.  It is a most frustrating thing, evil that does not fight fair.  

What is more frightening is the realization that I am very much capable of that same evil, to fall readily to that level.  It is like entropy, the natural order of things to reflect the evil that I see in others within myself.   Oh, how delicious my thoughts became when filled with notions of vengeance, of righting the wrongs, of making those who have brought evil rue the day they did so.  Yet, by those very thoughts alone, I became equally guilty.  I failed to realize that evil is perhaps necessary to bring out a greater good.  Oh, it is so easy to sink to their level, but that is not the point.  The point is to see beyond, and realize something good, something better will come out of it, and that it is within us to be greater, to rise above the evil we see, and overcome it.  

It behooves us to stand against evil, even when it may appear we are severely outclassed. It does not follows that if we can't beat it, we join it.  No, evil does exists, and it is hard to beat it, but the solution is not to join in, however easy that may be. Evil exists, but it cannot do so without the very goodness that we are equally capable of manifesting.   I shall know evil by its name, and I shall seek to be better, and not the same.  I shall not be made to bow low, to be debased nor relegated to a reduced sense of self by resonating evil.  No, I am greater and better than that, and I believe that goodness runs deep, especially in the face of evil.   Evil is necessary to magnify the godness in goodness.

I hear you Lord

When was the last time I enjoyed solitude and tranquility? It seemed such a long time ago since I  last made myself stop to sit and be still. It has been such a long time since I have listened to the voice of my own heart, and be comforted in knowing that You are still within me. Yea, I have wandered far, driven by my own desires. So far that I no longer recognized Your calling until now, when I am made to stand and survey the mess about me. My plans have fallen apart, and I no longer know where I stand and what I should do next. Far into the land of shadows I have ventured, but I know that somewhere there is light for neither shadow and light can exist without the other; just as there can be no faith without the doubt. So draw me to You once more, let Your grace relieve me of my sorrows. Let Your love soothe all the pain that has wrecked my whole. Hear me, for I know despite me being blind and deaf at times, You see me and hear me always.

Defining Professionalism

“They are intriguing people.  From the moment they wake, they devote themselves to the perfection of whatever they pursue.  I have never seen such discipline”
~ Nathan Algren, The Last Samurai


What comes to mind at the utterance of the word professionalism?  What images does it conjure?  That of stoic men and women marching towards peril whilst many others fled in the opposite direction; such as firefighters and soldiers are often found to do.   Or is it that individual, that singular individual who is usually the first to show up and the very last to leave a workplace;  who constantly puts us all to shame simply because we are inclined to place them on a higher pedestal to begin with by virtue of their merit.  Regardless of what that image is within your mind, I do believe it is safe to presume that the word professionalism impress upon us a notion of something pure, something noble, something sacred.  When we think of professionalism, it is often linked with other adjectives like consummate, culminate, and apical; as in “Tom is the consummate professional, he has attained culmination in the arts and science of his chosen profession”.    Yet, what exactly is professionalism?  I shall endeavor to answer this here in the next few paragraphs using the structured offered by Dr. Loh’s article published in 2000.

In perusing the literature, there exists a plethora of definitions for professionalism.  Amongst these, perhaps the most succinct and often cited definition comes from Dr. Loh’s 2000 article entitled ‘Professionalism, where are you?’ published in the Ear, Nose & Throat Journal.  In it, Dr. Loh has narrowed the defining characteristics of a profession as follows:
1. A profession has a specialized body of knowledge that has value to a society
2. Entrance requirements include a single unifying academic degree, a defined level of competency, and a license to practice
3. Members uphold high ethical standards and adhere to code of conduct
4. Professionals function autonomously; they are defined by their specialized knowledge and the ability to make independent decisions and judgment about their own services
5. Professionals are accountable to the persons they serve, regulatory agencies and their peers.
So, what does that really mean? To understand professionalism, we must first examine the origins of the word, and the context in which it was created.

It begins with to profess, stemming from the Latin word professus, which translates to “declare openly”.  In the early days, it was often defined as the act of openly declaring one’s allegiance to a religious order.  Pay close attention here to the elements essential to this act:(a) an ardent believe of something higher and greater, and (b) a willingness to stand up publicly and declare it so.  Even from the very start, a profession is meant to be in the public eye.  It is a system of beliefs and knowledge (keep in mind in those early days, academia and religion were closely linked) given a voice by the individual who openly and willingly pursues it.

Taking the religious aspect out of the equation, to profess is quite an audacious act in of itself.   Imagine someone who is about to profess something, be it an epiphany, or his undying devotion to the love of his life.  In order for it to be even consider an act of professing, he will need to be standing before a crowd ready to boisterously make his claim.   One cannot simply profess without conviction, otherwise what comes out would merely be a whimper prematurely heckled, leaving the audience unconvinced.  One must also be able to back the claim with some form of compelling evidence or authority; after all, who would want to listen to charlatan?   From where does the conviction and evidence come from?  Through a little bit of faith, a whole lot of practice, constant vigilance and due diligence.   By doing so they became the irrefutable expert, above reproach and accorded the esteem of professor.  They are generally acknowledged as the gate-keeper of the specific knowledge to which they profess.

Yet, one person alone professing is not enough.  As word of mouth travels from one ear to the next, there is bound to be some mistakes made in the midst of transmission.  I need not belabor you with the example of the children’s game “telephone pole”; rarely do we end up with the message that was originally sent.  Over time, and through numerous retelling, that knowledge risks becoming distorted, or even worst - lost.  Therefore it behooves those who possess that knowledge to band together to preserve the fidelity of their message.  Here we start seeing the formation of guilds and apprenticeships, the early embodiment of today’s professions.  The goal of apprenticeship is to ensure that a specific skill-set is preserved in its entirety from one generation to the next.  It is also the culmination of numerous lifetimes of practice, and refinement, such that its true practitioners are indubitably bequeathed with a distilled understanding- untainted and unfettered.

Such knowledge accords a greater spectrum of choices, creates alternative courses of action; and with it, inherent responsibilities to its wielder.  With this greater degree of choices come much improved odds of making more and grander blunders.  This necessitates stringent codes of conduct and ethics to regulate the members so as to ensure that the profession is always accountable.    Professional soldiers of old such as knights and samurai adhere to such iron code of ethics.   To them, it is a matter of honor.

Unlike knights and samurais, however, you don’t need to be of noble lineage to become a professional.   Professionals are not necessary any different from you or I.  Often times, professionals are ordinary individuals who are simply more devoted and disciplined to refining themselves; ever perfecting the arts and science of their chosen trade for the sole purpose of being ready to deal with the extraordinary.   They are individuals who have the audacity to believe that they have what it takes to make a difference; and the humility to serve faithfully.   In this day and age, anyone can become a knight in shining armor insofar that they do not mind the vigorous training, became adroit in all areas expected, and willing to indulge in the immense amount of elbow grease necessary to keep his armor shiny.


In my endeavor to define professionalism, we have progressed from professing to becoming a professional, and to ultimately exemplifying professionalism.  Professionalism in this sense can therefore be an adjective or a verb.  I much prefer the latter as it implies it is a never ending quest.  Culmination, consummation, apical should not be a destination, but rather a refining process.  After all, for those of us within the doctoring profession, does it not strike us odd that as professionals we operate within a “practice” and not a “perfect”?  That alone should serve as a reminder of what professionalism entails – constant improvement.

My music

Music and I are engaged in a love hate relationship. The piano is my soul mate, my confidante, when I am burdened by feelings of sadness, when I have no one to turn to, the piano is where I go to let it all out. On those 88 keys, I pour out my soul. On  those 88 keys do I find valleys and hills, rolling thunders and swirling waters. When the rolling waves ceased to clash upon the shingles, and the rain cease their relentless beating, I play myself a flowing river trickling upon pebbles.

And yet, I am no good a pianist, though I want to be. My music could not swoon a lady nor will she be woed, for the reality is, it may be music in my ears, it is nothing grandeur for others to hear. I play for my own pleasure, and what a curse it is, for I hear more in my head than what my fingers can consolidate. I pretend to play, but a master may laugh at my imcompetence. Only 88 keys, and yet I am not able to cover it. Alas, I will play in the loneliest of night, when no one is there to listen.

On failure (draft)

On Failure (a draft)

O Failure, most misunderstood mother of success,

How trying you are to the trying man.

Are you the cause of downfall for many,

Or could mortals succeed without your mocking glance?

Aye, Success and Failure,

Lovers from the start,

You walk hand in hand,

Side by side, leaving nothing to chance.

You call us to your circle,

Changing partners as we go.

Up and down, high and low,

Following the passionate rhythm of Tango.

From the ruins of ashes, shall phoenix rise.

And empires fall with achievement's pride

Success and Failure, you are the hen and egg question

Of Human achievements.

Become a tutor

Years from now, looking back, I think I would list being a tutor as one of the most fulfilling things that I have ever done.  There is a joy and a sense of accomplishment in being able to share knowledge with someone.  It stirs something deep within you, a heighten sense of awareness and creativity, when you  are called to explain a concept, to teach, to profess.  It is a splendid challenge to navigate how someone approach learning, and to subsequently tailor one's way of professing accordingly so as to help them grasp what was once an elusive notion. It is a great adventure of exploration together- both liberating and rewarding.

I hope that each of you will consider experiencing that which I have experienced and become a tutor yourself.   I fell in love with audiology for the very reason that it is a profession of nurturers and educators.  It is within our nature to listen to our patients, and help them understand more about hearing, listening, effective communicating.  What better way, therefore, to fine hone our skills than by helping our "young".  Sign up to be a tutor today!

Thank you.

Some more thoughts on relationships

To be confused about a relationship is natural... it forms the basis of mutual exploration, the need to communicate... Part of being in a deep, open and meaningful relationship is both parties being able to feel comfortable and encouraged  to mutually prod, expose and explain themselves constantly. Ultimately, you want to be wholesomely vulnerable to that one person, and he/she in kind to you... in the process, you become fully aware of who you are. But that is the theoretical aspect of it... the way to getting there is fraught with a myriad of problems. Notice how I said confusion forms the basis of mutual exploration... but that requires both parties... if either party shuts off, then confusion forms the basis of doubt and worries because they never got to be aired, addressed and discarded. 

There are concrete battles to fight in every relationship... but often times convention has us looking towards the cosmetic ones. We are jaded by culture to believe there is a way relationship should be. There maybe an ideal, but the reality is often far from it... or at least it starts off ways off from where it is supposed to end up looking like. 

Society, pop cultures etc has given us a lot of examples of what a relationship should "look like"...it is crucial that we do not buy into all that fluffy romance crap. If we romanticize the situation without a firm foundation, then our struggles become about epic philosophical and emotional considerations worthy of Shakespeare or novelists, but lose the focus of real life and in particular--our life 

Strong permanent relationships are built on reality, not on romanticized versions of what a relationship should be. Look at what the relationship is separate from the "should be" or imagined struggles. I believe the struggle has taken on its own strength and that is what is driving the relationship rather than the relationship itself being the center.