Existence can be a lonesome ordeal. Each of us independently circling the periphery; searching for that singular moment of recognition; hoping for a sign of validation from another individual to justify our mere existence. It is because of this that we fall prey to flattery and false idolatry. It is because of this many relationships do not work out. Simply because instead of searching for those who complement us, we are fooled into thinking that we need someone who compliments us. Somewhere along the way, we deem ourselves incomplete until we have gained approval of those whom we humbly offered our life’s work and ourselves to their judgment.
Yet, consider how easy it is for a critic to critique. Recall how easy it is for us to raise our expectations of others and for them to therefore fall short. Then you will come to realize the dreaded disappointment that awaits us should we choose to enter a relationship with that need in mind. No, my dear friends do not enter a relationship in hopes of external validation. Trust, that before you become one with another, you can be whole in yourself. Know that you can be your own entity with lots to offer and a burning desire to share. Otherwise, you will only enslave yourself, sell yourself short, and settle for something less than the truth.
Monday, January 4, 2010
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Stress
Remember that guy/ girl you have crushed on at some point in your life? You may have met him/ her at a bar, in the hallway between classes, across the aisle at a grocery store, or even in the next cart on a train. You remember him/ her? Do you recall the flight of fantasies you have about him/ her? More importantly, do you remember that sudden blossom of shyness, that well of insecurity that prevented you from ever making a move to actualize those fantasies. Do you know why you didn't? Let me give you a hint: it's because you have idealized him/ her so much that you don't see that person as simply another individual. Instead you have this romanticized version of him/ her; raising them upon a pedestal so high that you dare not scale, for fear that you are beneath them. Or, even worst, discovering your dream is a mirage, and the disappointment devastating to your quiescent soul. I want you to dwell on that sensation for a moment... because that is exactly the same phenomenon that makes stress so poignant.
How the heck did I go from dating to stress? Well, think about it: the things which triggers our stress, like the target of our crushes, are usually things we care about (whether or not they care about us or not in actuality). We project our hopes, our dreams unto them; meanwhile praying for recognition. Whether we realize it or not, when we look upon that person, or that exam we want to get an A on, there is inherently a desire for us to succeed. In the case of a crush, you want to impress them, coming across suave and awesome, subsequently winning their attraction. In the case of an exam, you want to ace it. Both outcome really is geared towards feeling good about yourself.
As part of that process we tend to overshoot on our regards so that in our mind it will be worth the effort. It is a defense mechanism of ours to over-project, otherwise it would all seem silly- to approach someone randomly, to take a class and study. Sort of like the guy who threw in 100 bucks into the toilet after he dropped a quarter in there, so that it would be worth his while to fish out both.
Simple enough, right? Make that person look great in our heads, dream that we will pass the exam with flying colors. Envision success, and then go for it. Yet, somewhere along the way, we over did it, and stop ourselves short. We make the object so damn good, so much so that in contrast we feel like crap... and eventually gave up.
What I am getting at is this: stress is good. We stress because we care. That being said, we must be realistic about it. Don't let it become fear that builds upon itself. Don't allow it to take on a life of its own, succoring itself upon our insecurities so that instead of using it as a motivator, we allow it to become our greatest obstacle. Go for it, ask the guy/ girl out. Study your heart out. I am willing to bet whatever notion you have in your imagination is no match for the real deal, so why not just go for it, and leave fear behind where it belongs: in the gutter with its throat slit by the garrote of decisive action.
That being said, back to studying I go.
How the heck did I go from dating to stress? Well, think about it: the things which triggers our stress, like the target of our crushes, are usually things we care about (whether or not they care about us or not in actuality). We project our hopes, our dreams unto them; meanwhile praying for recognition. Whether we realize it or not, when we look upon that person, or that exam we want to get an A on, there is inherently a desire for us to succeed. In the case of a crush, you want to impress them, coming across suave and awesome, subsequently winning their attraction. In the case of an exam, you want to ace it. Both outcome really is geared towards feeling good about yourself.
As part of that process we tend to overshoot on our regards so that in our mind it will be worth the effort. It is a defense mechanism of ours to over-project, otherwise it would all seem silly- to approach someone randomly, to take a class and study. Sort of like the guy who threw in 100 bucks into the toilet after he dropped a quarter in there, so that it would be worth his while to fish out both.
Simple enough, right? Make that person look great in our heads, dream that we will pass the exam with flying colors. Envision success, and then go for it. Yet, somewhere along the way, we over did it, and stop ourselves short. We make the object so damn good, so much so that in contrast we feel like crap... and eventually gave up.
What I am getting at is this: stress is good. We stress because we care. That being said, we must be realistic about it. Don't let it become fear that builds upon itself. Don't allow it to take on a life of its own, succoring itself upon our insecurities so that instead of using it as a motivator, we allow it to become our greatest obstacle. Go for it, ask the guy/ girl out. Study your heart out. I am willing to bet whatever notion you have in your imagination is no match for the real deal, so why not just go for it, and leave fear behind where it belongs: in the gutter with its throat slit by the garrote of decisive action.
That being said, back to studying I go.
Friday, October 9, 2009
Disoriented Oriental
Here is how I do it: Every morning, I get up. I put on my intensely geeky Asian make-up. I put on my thick dorky glasses. I look at the mirror, smile, and say to myself, "It'ssssss SHHHHHHOWTIME!!!" Then I get here, acting all happy and nerdy as if I am in heaven and learning is great. And I am so believable, that you will fall for it, and think to yourself, "wow, there goes another stereotypical Asian, the outlier, the guy who is going to pull up the curve." Meanwhile, the reality is I am just a really dumb kid who works extra hard hoping to dear G-d that he will not mix up his r's and his l's. Because you know what, I am so messed up that I even have to work hard at being Asian. So there, be jealous all you want, but I am telling you, I am just like you, I am not any smarter, I just know how to appear so.
Monday, October 5, 2009
Audiology Humor
Pick-Up Lines
- Want to come over and study forced oscillation and resonance factor?
- Trust me, I am a doctor.
- I bet no one can put you in a supine position faster and better than I.
- Want to learn the log roll?
- Two words: Fixation denied
- Ask me about down ten up five
- I know the Sabine's Reverberation Equation. Want to come and test it out in my boudoir?
- I am good at using Log to find Intensity.
- We do it periodically with frequency and great amplitude.
- You give me a stiff lesion with your mass.
- Three words: Simple Harmonic Motion
- Between you and me, we can make Longitudinal waves and Transverse waves
- I need your help to study the mass and elasticity of my bed.
- Let's measure how loud and how far your voice can propagate via simple means of compression and rarefaction.
- May I measure our immittance?
- Bone oscillation. Need I say more?
- Audiology. We bring the "Oooo?!" in Otolaryngology
- Did you know that a stiff lesion can result in a shift in natural frequency of a system towards the higher pitches? Don't believe me? Allow me to demonstrate.
- Allow me to find your natural frequency
- You, me, rotary chair, dark room... get the picture?
- Ask me about up-beating, down-beating nystagmus.
- Swallow, it's part of the test.
- Audiologists do it with frequency and intensity (E. Breitling)
- Audiologists stimulate aurally (e. Breitling)
- Does the word tinnitus ring a bell?
Audiology Humor
- Audiology is like sex. What more need I say? We audiology students like it up (5) and down (10), while supine, with vision denied. We stimulate aurally with intensity and frequency. We manage your stiff lesions, and we make deep impressions. We do it deep, we do it slow, and we make sure we plug/fill up the hole.
- How are some nystagmus like boyfriends? Well, there is the typical jerk, and then you have your rebound types. How are nystagmus like camp counsellors? They can be upbeat and spontaneous.
- As I gazed deeply into her ears, I saw light, and I am reminded of just how open-minded a person she is. She was very compliant, with good reflexes. No aural fullness to boast of. She spoke audibly and clearly; not annoying like tinnitus. She responded well to the sound of my voice; there and then I knew I have found the one. She trusts me, she listens intently. What more can I ask? I shall make her world spin.
- Audiologist: like bank tellers, we check your balance.
- Audiologists: like Flo Rida (or Dead or Alive for us old folks)...we spin you "Right Round".(Amy Goodwine)
- Studying for my vestibular test has given me the following:
- Blurred vision from reading all my notes
- Lightheadedness from being indoors all day
- Vertigo from being spun around by copious facts
- Hearing loss from the loud music that I need to put in my ears to keep me pumped
- Tinnitus when the music is gone
- Aural fullness from the ear plugs
- These symptoms are highly consistent with a diagnosis of Man Ears’ Disease
- Audiology, we don't care for feedback
- I keep hearing things in my head... I suppose that just means I have a sound mind.
- I imagine there shall come a day when one of my vestibular patients will befriend me on facebook, and her relationship status would read "It's compensated".
- If you look at it closely enough, the TM resembles a condom.
- Audiology: Where ""let's take you out for a spin" means being strapped into a chair and spun in a dark chamber rather than a joyride on the freeway with the wind blowing in your face.
- is studying implants, can you guess which kind? Here are some clues: it is partially made of silicone, can be very magnetic, and extremely stimulating.
- Poor patient, he was so dizzy from his vertigo that he didn't know where to go. Luckily I was around to take him out for a spin.
- Someday I will find the cure to tinnitus (that ringing noise you hear in your ears) and win the "No Bell" prize.
- We don't care for feedback
- Although it may not be original, we love our SIN nonetheless
Monday, September 7, 2009
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Dear Image in the Mirror,
How I hate you so. You who lack substance, and of little consequence. You who frolic about in your two-dimension-light-dependent world. You know not the suffering of the corporeal world, to you everything is just a mirage. You could look like crap and not feel any worse for wear because of it; whereas I... I would feel the blunt of it. Every morning, I have to get up and look at you... and golly gee I wish there is someone else more beautiful, more wholesome to look at than you. What good are you? A mime, a doppelganger, a charlatan. You are more worthless than my shadow, at least that follows me around wherever I go.
Ah, but perhaps I am being too harsh. Perhaps there is use for you yet. Perhaps you can smile at me more often, perhaps you can remind me of my existence. Perhaps you can stare deep within me, and allow me to see through your eyes. Show me my many faces, let me know of my masks; which ones to keep, which ones to toss. I can add dimension to your perception.
Make a funny face, make me laugh. Mimic my every expression, my every move, so that I know at least someone thinks me worthy a role model to follow. Show me what is ugly about me, show me what is nice, show me how to control my features, show me how to master you. Show me that when I cry, I cry not alone, for my tears are on my face as they are on yours. At the end of the day, help me to be a better person, for if you can be what I pretend to be, than I too can perfect my act, and grow into my many roles.
How I hate you so. You who lack substance, and of little consequence. You who frolic about in your two-dimension-light-dependent world. You know not the suffering of the corporeal world, to you everything is just a mirage. You could look like crap and not feel any worse for wear because of it; whereas I... I would feel the blunt of it. Every morning, I have to get up and look at you... and golly gee I wish there is someone else more beautiful, more wholesome to look at than you. What good are you? A mime, a doppelganger, a charlatan. You are more worthless than my shadow, at least that follows me around wherever I go.
Ah, but perhaps I am being too harsh. Perhaps there is use for you yet. Perhaps you can smile at me more often, perhaps you can remind me of my existence. Perhaps you can stare deep within me, and allow me to see through your eyes. Show me my many faces, let me know of my masks; which ones to keep, which ones to toss. I can add dimension to your perception.
Make a funny face, make me laugh. Mimic my every expression, my every move, so that I know at least someone thinks me worthy a role model to follow. Show me what is ugly about me, show me what is nice, show me how to control my features, show me how to master you. Show me that when I cry, I cry not alone, for my tears are on my face as they are on yours. At the end of the day, help me to be a better person, for if you can be what I pretend to be, than I too can perfect my act, and grow into my many roles.
Sunday, September 6, 2009
A note to a dear friend after he suffered the lost of his beloved pet
My heart goes to you. I know I am far from you at the moment, and perhaps my lack of experience in this life does not allow me to provide you with the solace you so richly deserve. Still I want you to know that how ever little I can carry, I carry with you.
Initially I had hope to ask Him to grant you a certain degree of numbness to help you get by. Yet, as I think about it more, it would have been an insult to you to ask G-d to provide you a cowardly way out. I don't know how to put this right, and you may perhaps heard this before... but I would be damned if I don't confess that it is apparent G-d has more faith in you than I do. For while I most surely would have begged Him to take this cup away from you, myself and all those whom I hold dear... you have shown yourself time and time again worthy of His love and His challenges.
Most importantly, despite all that you have been through you still care so damn much... and while it hurts like hell each and every time, the very fact that you feel it still with such breadth and depth, as if a wound anew.... that speaks highly of who you are, and I only hope that I will be the same, never losing my sincerity, and my ability to feel each cut as deeply as you do now.
I can not explain, justify nor reason why it must happen this way. It further pains me to know that regardless of what other may try to say and comfort you, the reality for you at the moment remains that it was unnecessary, that Sammie deserves better. I am incline to agree with you wholeheartedly... but this I will contend, in the short years I have walked upon this transitory earth, I am thoroughly convinced that no death is untimely. Regardless of the manner, Death is perhaps the one thing that is on time. It is tragic that Sammie has to endure such a passing, I too would have loved to see him grow old and die in comfort having given his life, adoration and dedication to you for some more years. But it is just that... regardless of how short his life span was, how painfully and tragically it end for him, he has not failed in giving you his all... and while we mourn for the passing of a loved one... we must stop and ask ourselves, if we truly believe in what we believe in as Christian, then can we truly mourn? For to be who we are, then should we not rejoice in knowing that those who pass on is in a better place? Yes, it is incredibly tragic that no longer shall we feel the brush of their being upon our senses, nor shall they benefit from the riches of this earth. But here is the kicker... it is our lost not theirs that we mourn for... I know not exactly where I am going with this.
But this I will admit, I hope that each and everyone of us can live so that we will be as sorely missed as Sammie, as Roxy and the many who have come before. And that each grief I feel will be as deep and hurtful as that you feel for it only means after all this time we still care, and that speaks of human triumphs that few have the courage or capacity to claim.
I applaud you, and I wish to stand by you in these times of trouble. I don't know if I have succeed even in a little bit to comfort you. I strive to speak from my heart in hopes that it will connect with yours. Should I failed, then I beg for your forgiveness. Know that you are not alone.
Dominus tecum.
Initially I had hope to ask Him to grant you a certain degree of numbness to help you get by. Yet, as I think about it more, it would have been an insult to you to ask G-d to provide you a cowardly way out. I don't know how to put this right, and you may perhaps heard this before... but I would be damned if I don't confess that it is apparent G-d has more faith in you than I do. For while I most surely would have begged Him to take this cup away from you, myself and all those whom I hold dear... you have shown yourself time and time again worthy of His love and His challenges.
Most importantly, despite all that you have been through you still care so damn much... and while it hurts like hell each and every time, the very fact that you feel it still with such breadth and depth, as if a wound anew.... that speaks highly of who you are, and I only hope that I will be the same, never losing my sincerity, and my ability to feel each cut as deeply as you do now.
I can not explain, justify nor reason why it must happen this way. It further pains me to know that regardless of what other may try to say and comfort you, the reality for you at the moment remains that it was unnecessary, that Sammie deserves better. I am incline to agree with you wholeheartedly... but this I will contend, in the short years I have walked upon this transitory earth, I am thoroughly convinced that no death is untimely. Regardless of the manner, Death is perhaps the one thing that is on time. It is tragic that Sammie has to endure such a passing, I too would have loved to see him grow old and die in comfort having given his life, adoration and dedication to you for some more years. But it is just that... regardless of how short his life span was, how painfully and tragically it end for him, he has not failed in giving you his all... and while we mourn for the passing of a loved one... we must stop and ask ourselves, if we truly believe in what we believe in as Christian, then can we truly mourn? For to be who we are, then should we not rejoice in knowing that those who pass on is in a better place? Yes, it is incredibly tragic that no longer shall we feel the brush of their being upon our senses, nor shall they benefit from the riches of this earth. But here is the kicker... it is our lost not theirs that we mourn for... I know not exactly where I am going with this.
But this I will admit, I hope that each and everyone of us can live so that we will be as sorely missed as Sammie, as Roxy and the many who have come before. And that each grief I feel will be as deep and hurtful as that you feel for it only means after all this time we still care, and that speaks of human triumphs that few have the courage or capacity to claim.
I applaud you, and I wish to stand by you in these times of trouble. I don't know if I have succeed even in a little bit to comfort you. I strive to speak from my heart in hopes that it will connect with yours. Should I failed, then I beg for your forgiveness. Know that you are not alone.
Dominus tecum.
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Smile! You are on Andy Camera!
To say I am a photographer would be an insult to the profession, for I have nowhere near the dedication nor discipline to master the art and science of photography. What I am is someone who loves to take pictures of random things; a nostalgic nut who loves to capture 3D experiences in a 2D medium. It doesn't always turn out the way I envisioned it, after all there is a huge disparity between the stoic mechanics of the objective lens, and the idyllic musing of a subjective mind. In addition, I am not as quick as I thought, so those fleeting moments that I attempt to capture remains so ever elusive. Still, there I am, clicking away like your stereotypical Japanese tourist (only I am Chinese); trying so very hard to document each moment as I see them.
I know at times, such behavior is disturbing, especially when I am taking picture of something seemingly insignificant. Yet, I cannot explain to you the compulsion... maybe it stems from the deep realization and fear that the one thing that I truly own and afraid to lose are my memories. I have moved around so much, that I never felt I could hold onto anything corporeal, even the act of owning furniture feels foreign to me. Whatever earthly possession I have, there is an unspoken understanding that they do not belong to me. I will be moving on, leaving things behind. The one constant in my life is perhaps the knowledge that nothing is certain.
Therefore, to me, my dream isn't owning some grandiose house, earning some glorious title. No, my dream is simple, that some day I shall have scrapbook upon scrapbooks that document the adventures within my life, of people I have met, of experiences shared, of common anecdotes to be regaled with gusto in years to come. My dream is someday to be able to go through those albums and rejoice because even though I may be physically absent from a majority of those photos, I know I have been a chief architect behind the smiles, a blessed witness to the beauty of the moment that I attempt to capture.
I hope that someday you and I will sit together, to point and laugh at the photos of our relative youth spent together at one point or another. I pray that even if I should develop amnesia, that should I be mentally lost to you most of the time, somewhere deep in the recess of my mind lies the spark of recognition that triggers a smile, and you will know I recall. It would be like finding a hidden treasure in the attic, behind the cobwebs... and perhaps then you will smile with me.
For now, I shall go about, doing the best I can to bring about, and/ or capture memorable moments. Be goofy with me, humor me, for when I am in the room, you are no longer the strangest person there, so get weird and we will make wonderful memories together, you, me and everyone we know.
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