A mother cries

Today I cried. I cried because for the first time in a long while telling someone their hearing is normal is simply not enough. It is not enough because it doesn't answer any questions but instead raises a few more. It is not enough because it means something else, something more, something frightfully insurmountable. 

Here is a child who has the potential to be happy, who by all appearances look normal. Yet his mother knows that not to be the case. She knows because while he can be seemingly content right at this moment engaged in his movie, the moments of inexplicable outbursts and frustration would last much longer, and there is nothing that she can do to comfort him. 

Her attempts at affection were rejected; no hugs, no kisses, no hand holding, no singing. So daily she feels dejected. She can't share with him the comfort food of her childhood, the recipes she knew by heart, because texture, colours, and certain tastes may send him careening into a wailing siren of distraught. So he cries and she silently weeps. 

He may hum, but he would not mimic the words she wishes to teach him. Words like I, Love, and You; words she uttered over and over again, yet it doesn't seem to ever register, and never uttered once in return. He may be the one not speaking, yet it is her who is always the one at lost for words. 

She knew his eyes are blue with flecks of gold, they were her eyes after all. There was a time she could stare deep into them, lost in their colours, a kindred spirit. She pines for those days again, when those eyes would meet her even for a split second. At least she thinks to herself she may catch a glimpse of the soul she knows to be there. 

So there we were, in a small booth, but the distance between a mother and her child remains ever so wide. "A hearing loss, a hearing loss I can deal with," she says over and over, "but this, this I don't know."

And so we sat and cried, together.

You too can YouTube

What I have learned from spending an unhealthy amount of time on YouTube is you can choose to be amazed by all the creativity and feats that are being posted, or you can be some wanker who never ceases to find something awful to say, whose negativity belittles and sullies the experience for others.

We have decisions to be made in this life. We can offer ourselves, our talents to the world; starting from scratch, with humble beginnings. We can nurture it, and cheer on others as they grow theirs. We can bear witness to the fruit of courage, persistence, perseverance, and talent. We can spread goodness, share ideas, sow positivity and hope. We can exemplify the beauty that life has to offer, and accentuate the positives of humanity in dark times. We can offer camaderie, bask in the glow of human triumph.

Or we can sit back, criticize, and become the under belly of society; condescending, never pleased, looking to score cheap laughs, and  exhibiting scorn and disdain.

So choose. Who would you want to be? Think about it while I go look for some more videos of kittens pawing at piano.

Sometimes I don't understand

Sometimes I don't understand.
Sometimes I don't understand the things that made you sad.
Sometimes I don't understand the decisions you had to make, the road you had to take to be here.
Sometimes I don't understand why you chose to be a certain way, or if you even had a choice at all.
Sometimes I don't understand the way you see things.
Sometimes I don't understand my reaction towards you.Sometimes I don't understand the source of my prejudice; ungrounded and unjust. 
But you know what? That's on me.
May I strive to understand.
May I try to listen, to be curious, to ask questions, to comprehend.
And where understanding falls short, may my compassion, and good faith bind the gap.
For my place is not to judge. Mine is to be kind.
Misunderstandings occur only because there is so much to understand. 

So sometimes I don't understand, sometimes I forget. But remind me, remind me to be first a friend.
Remind me to lend you a helping hand; to step back and think.
To resist the temptation of passing judgment without evidence, without examination,, without reflection, without deliberation.

Because sometimes I don't understand. I just don't understand.
And maybe somethings don't have to be understood, not right this second.
But doesn't mean I can't be understanding.

Micah 6:8

Years ago I walked into a church while on one of my meanderings. What would you know the choir was practising, and the anthem stuck with me. The words were simple, taken from Micah 6:8, " do justly, love mercy, walk humbly with your G-d." It stuck with me. It was simple, a distillation of the faith that I have tried to pursue all these years. Yet, it can be elusive too.

What is just and what is mercy seems to be a moving target. What one deems just, another may think unmerciful, and vice versa. An example of this would be watching two young siblings arguing with their parents over a decision. Sibling A screaming it is not fair, sibling B petitioning for the said decision not to be revoked. 

I know in my own life, I struggle constantly between speaking my mind and obeying my heart. That seems to be where just and mercy seems to reside respectively, doesn't it? The logic that weighs [coldly] the merits and demerits, versus the compassion that searches for redeeming qualities. It divides the soul, it divides a parish, it divides a nation if not nations. 

So many of our societal issues come down to a disagreement on what is just versus what is merciful - immigration, abortion, welfare for the mass. It can be polarizing, we fixate upon it, and the argument takes life on its own. 

Yet, despite all that strife, the reality is just and mercy reside in one body, the heart and mind cannot function without the other. More importantly, the constant communication between the two is what constitutes the most important aspect of being - our souls. 

Grace, salvation, redemption, atonement, none of these have meaning if we have no soul. And the soul cannot exist if just and mercy do not complement each other nicely. Therein is the key, how do we reconcile the two? I think the first thing we must do is acknowledge that they are not polar opposites, but partners. That one cannot exist without the other. 

Do justly, love mercy. Notice that they are action items. There is an agency to them, and we are the agents. We have been charged to do both. But perhaps what can reconcile the conflict we often feel when deciding between the two is the last part of that phrase, " walk humbly with your G-d". Walk humbly. Humbleness, humility. That is the tiebreaker.

See, too often, when we deliver justice, when we shell out love, there is a certain ego that comes with it. The power of agency, to have that ability or responsibility, comes with the understanding that "I" can, "I" am benevolent and wise, "I" can withhold love. That "I", it can be very obstructive when "I" can't stand down, when "my" view takes precedence. Suddenly, it is no longer about just and mercy, but about you versus me. The rules of self-preservation kick in, it-is-me-against-them mentality takes a firm grip and reshapes our realities, to the point that we no longer share realities. 

So, how do we break that vicious cycle, how do we get past all of it? By being humble, by taking "me" out of the equation, and surrender to a greater power, a greater cause, and a greater consciousness. It is not about me, it is not about you. This is what is asked of us. "Love mercy, do justly, walk humbly with your G-d". It is an ongoing action item, it is how we ought to navigate and negotiate much of the conflicts in our lives. Three things we should do constantly, and by G-d, I hope we can all learn to walk and chew gum at the same time.