Be safe, and say the things

Bear with me, I have often tried to keep things light here. G-d knows the world needs a little levity. My own personal rule on social media has been to try to have a little balance - post something light then post something thoughtful, but not depressing. But if you will, allow me to get a little real.

I... I don't want to become good at writing eulogies. I know the reality is at one point or another, people we love and hold dear will pass on. And I want to do my darnedest to keep their memories alive, to write from my heart and to pay tribute. But the place from which I draw my inspiration, the memories, the sentiments, it takes a lot, as I am sure anyone who is familiar with grief understands intimately. So I beg of you, please be safe and well as best as you can. 

I don't know how or where or when I learned this, but from earlier on I have conditioned myself to grief in private, to cry in my own time. I think I have gotta pretty good at being clinically detached, or maybe I have gotten really good at lying to myself. I can compartmentalize and delay grief like nobody's business, and I have enough gallows humour to come across crass. But the truth is, when it hits, it hits hard. 

My faith allows me to believe it is to a far better place that the dead goes. But that does not lessen in anyway the forlornness that I experienced. I would also be lying if I were to say I am not painfully aware of the fact that it is presumptuous of me to think I am immune to death. I'd like to think I have made peace with it, but until I am there, I don't know. 

I don't know... what I am trying to get at is this, in case I haven't say it or demonstrated it, know that my love for each of you is great. I hope we don't have to wait until it's too late to express how we feel, and I certainly don't want it to be when I am writing a eulogy. 

So... take the time to express your feelings. Egos and pride be damned. Say what your heart tells you to say, however awkward it may become. Love is love, and it is the one thing you should not keep under a bushel. So, here's to each and every one of you who has touched my life and made a difference. May you feel loved as I have strived to love.

Am I good enough?

In my life, I have struggled with being not good enough.
I am not that smart, I suck at maths.
I am not athletic, I don't play sports.
The list goes on and on.

I am used to be being forgotten and overlooked. 
Like animals at a shelter or a pound, 
Waiting eagerly to be fostered or adopted
But days turn into weeks, and weeks turn into months
And still, I remain, wondering if I will ever be good enough.
Try as I may, I am often left feeling maybe I just wasn't good enough. 
Maybe it wasn't meant to be, maybe I don't deserve this or that.
I would keep trying, to go out of my way to be the best that I can be.  
But there remains this doubt, that maybe I am just not good enough. 
Yet, you take that doubt away from me, and what will I become?
Will I remain this caring person who knows what it is like to be not good enough? 
Will I continue to work just as hard to uplift others in their moments of crisis?
Will I connect as deeply?  
Will I remain a champion for the underdogs, the oppressed, the needy, and the sick?
So, today I may still feel like I am not good enough, and maybe I will never feel good enough. But maybe that is a blessing in of itself.
Because there is still enough of me to be good, and maybe that's enough, for now. 
So to those of you out there like me who struggle,
It's ok to be not good enough, just try to be good,
The "enough" part will come.

I did not lose my smile

I did not lose my smile
Through the hardships, the heartbreaks, and the despair,
I did not lose my smile.

Even when the world is upside down,
And there is just cause to wear a frown,
I did not lose my smile.

True, I may have buried it beneath grief before;
I have also used it to build a facade, a wall.
But I did not lose my smile.

I did not lose my smile
For upon it hinges hope
And a firm belief that better days will come.

So I held on to my smile.
It may be tucked away, hidden by a mask.
But I did not lose my smile.

So, if I did not lose my smile,
Don't lose yours,
For I want to see mine reflected in yours.

We are together

When your world is feeling a off-kilter, focus on the little things you can do to make it right.  Be it brewing a cup of tea and inhaling the aroma, or curling up in your favourite chair with a good book.  Sometimes simply washing your face and screaming into the towel helps too.  Try to focus on the little things and savour the moment. 

It's not easy.  What makes all of this social distancing and quarantine difficult is perhaps the lack of physical human contact.  From early on most of us are conditioned to be comforted by the human touch - a pat on the shoulder, a great big hug.  And it sucks not to get that.  But human contact is so much more than physical touch.  It is shared experiences, mutual understanding, and frank communication.  It is crying and laughing together.  It is knowing we are seen, our realities validated and our lives witnessed. 

So, in these times of social distancing, make the effort to reach out.  Be it through e-mail, text, or phone.  Write letters, share stories, swap jokes.  Be goofy, be artistic.  The good news is there is no rubric, we are all figuring this out as we go along.

Faith, Hope, and Love in time of Corona

Follow the advice of scientists and researchers, not because you are afraid, but because you trust them. 

That's faith. 

Wash your hands, not simply to clean them, but to signify that you are ready to touch and feel again. 

That's hope. 

Stay at home, not because you were told to do so, but because you believe you and others deserve to live and see another day. 

That's love. 

Faith, hope, and love all right there in the simplest of acts.

We can do this

There is no sugar coating this, the trajectory of things don't look great. The threats are very real. It is ok to be scared, but don't let it take a life of its own and paralyze you in the form of panic. For there is still much we can do. 

I firmly believe humanity will rise to the occasion. There are signs of it everywhere already. It begins with the simple act of washing one's hands, staying at home, to donating supplies, offering to pick up groceries for those who can't venture out. It radiates in the form of musicians spreading joy through singing, and trainers leading exercise routines on balconies. 

And then there is human ingenuity at its best; those who convert distilleries to churn out hand sanitizers; those who are working steadfastly to find a cure; or creatively finding stop-gaps for shortages. 

We may want to look towards our leaders and elective officials for guidance. But the reality is we have the power all along as a community, and as individuals who actively engage in the society, to make the difference. All it takes is simple courage practiced again and again to fuel the indomitable spirit. 

Yes, the cost is great, there is no doubt about that, but what we will gain in the long run is perhaps the salvation of humanity. What we will perhaps see after all of this is the Renaissance of our times. I have absolute faith that when we confront our darkest hours together with acts of defiance great and small, we will rise again as a whole better for it. So howl back at the raging storm and say to it, "do your worst for here we will make our stand."

#LifeInTheTimeOfCorona
#WeAreAllInThisTogether

We are all here because we are not all there

I wish I can tell you that when you have reached a certain point in life you would have things all figured out. But that's not true, you see, just when you think you have got it, life throws a little something in your way.  If you are lucky, it may deter you a bit. If you are not, then you find yourself at the drawing boards right quick wondering how it all went wrong.

That's the thing they don't teach you in school. In school, there's a rubric to success. You study, you get the grades, you get the accolades,  and you graduate until you can't anymore.  At least, it feels that way.

But in life, life has a slightly different set of rules... well, more like guidelines.  In life, working hard doesn't always equate to success. At least not always in a cause and effect kind of way.  Sometimes, try as you may, life doesn't always work out the way you figured it to. Then, it becomes existential.

I know this doesn't sound comforting, but bear with me, you see, while life does not get necessary easier,  or you eventually having it all figured out, you do get better at handling it, and that in itself is the goal of it - being able to know that come what may, you'll be ok, you will handle it.

That's the message we have missed in school. It was never about the grades, the trophies, or popularity. It was about you finding it in you to struggle with a tough concept. It was about you learning to reach out to teachers, and friends when you needed the help, to recognize what the right people looked like that you needed to build your village in years to come. And yes, chances are you will need to keep rebuilding that village again and again as people come and go, people change, you change. 

It is about learning how to find you in the midst of puberty, hormonal changes, and synaptic realignment.  People kept telling me middle school was hell because it was awkward, and it was a confusing time. But that's because it is built around the myth that adulthood meant stability,  that maturity is attained. 

The truth is we don't stop growing, and those situations we dread in middle school, the toxic personalities,  the tough teachers, the hard classes, the social awkwardness, those are all occurring still, albeit in different shapes and sizes, and different scenarios.  Look carefully though,  look deep, and you will recognize the familiarity of it all.

So... will we ever figure it out? I hope not, because chances are we will be dead. I mean it, life isn't about having it all figured out, and having your stuff out together. No, that is the byproduct.  Life is about getting to know yourself and constantly modifying your abilities to get closer to the real you. The one who is not daunted by circumstances, that refuses be deterred. It is about looking back and not being ashamed of the awkward teenager that you once were, or regret what you have not become.  Life is about trusting yourself to know you can love without reserve, be hurt, be vulnerable,  and still come out the other side just fine. Because at the end of the day, even if you never have your stuff together, even if you don't have it all figured out, intrinsically you are still loved, valued, relatable, and validated. Because at the end of the day, none of us have it all together, none of us have it figured out. But we are in it together, and we put our heads together and will try to figure it out.

In the meantime, loosen up, liven up, but don't worry about living it up to some standards but your own.