Be safe, and say the things

Bear with me, I have often tried to keep things light here. G-d knows the world needs a little levity. My own personal rule on social media has been to try to have a little balance - post something light then post something thoughtful, but not depressing. But if you will, allow me to get a little real.

I... I don't want to become good at writing eulogies. I know the reality is at one point or another, people we love and hold dear will pass on. And I want to do my darnedest to keep their memories alive, to write from my heart and to pay tribute. But the place from which I draw my inspiration, the memories, the sentiments, it takes a lot, as I am sure anyone who is familiar with grief understands intimately. So I beg of you, please be safe and well as best as you can. 

I don't know how or where or when I learned this, but from earlier on I have conditioned myself to grief in private, to cry in my own time. I think I have gotta pretty good at being clinically detached, or maybe I have gotten really good at lying to myself. I can compartmentalize and delay grief like nobody's business, and I have enough gallows humour to come across crass. But the truth is, when it hits, it hits hard. 

My faith allows me to believe it is to a far better place that the dead goes. But that does not lessen in anyway the forlornness that I experienced. I would also be lying if I were to say I am not painfully aware of the fact that it is presumptuous of me to think I am immune to death. I'd like to think I have made peace with it, but until I am there, I don't know. 

I don't know... what I am trying to get at is this, in case I haven't say it or demonstrated it, know that my love for each of you is great. I hope we don't have to wait until it's too late to express how we feel, and I certainly don't want it to be when I am writing a eulogy. 

So... take the time to express your feelings. Egos and pride be damned. Say what your heart tells you to say, however awkward it may become. Love is love, and it is the one thing you should not keep under a bushel. So, here's to each and every one of you who has touched my life and made a difference. May you feel loved as I have strived to love.

Am I good enough?

In my life, I have struggled with being not good enough.
I am not that smart, I suck at maths.
I am not athletic, I don't play sports.
The list goes on and on.

I am used to be being forgotten and overlooked. 
Like animals at a shelter or a pound, 
Waiting eagerly to be fostered or adopted
But days turn into weeks, and weeks turn into months
And still, I remain, wondering if I will ever be good enough.
Try as I may, I am often left feeling maybe I just wasn't good enough. 
Maybe it wasn't meant to be, maybe I don't deserve this or that.
I would keep trying, to go out of my way to be the best that I can be.  
But there remains this doubt, that maybe I am just not good enough. 
Yet, you take that doubt away from me, and what will I become?
Will I remain this caring person who knows what it is like to be not good enough? 
Will I continue to work just as hard to uplift others in their moments of crisis?
Will I connect as deeply?  
Will I remain a champion for the underdogs, the oppressed, the needy, and the sick?
So, today I may still feel like I am not good enough, and maybe I will never feel good enough. But maybe that is a blessing in of itself.
Because there is still enough of me to be good, and maybe that's enough, for now. 
So to those of you out there like me who struggle,
It's ok to be not good enough, just try to be good,
The "enough" part will come.

I did not lose my smile

I did not lose my smile
Through the hardships, the heartbreaks, and the despair,
I did not lose my smile.

Even when the world is upside down,
And there is just cause to wear a frown,
I did not lose my smile.

True, I may have buried it beneath grief before;
I have also used it to build a facade, a wall.
But I did not lose my smile.

I did not lose my smile
For upon it hinges hope
And a firm belief that better days will come.

So I held on to my smile.
It may be tucked away, hidden by a mask.
But I did not lose my smile.

So, if I did not lose my smile,
Don't lose yours,
For I want to see mine reflected in yours.