Circular struggles

There are things that you want to say, but afraid to simply because you are not sure how it would come across. So you hold back; biting your tongue, putting on a poker face, trying not to think about it, hoping it will go away. But it's still there, and the more you suppress it, the more it threatens to burst out. What do you do? Part of you just want to spill it all out, lay it there on the table, get it done and over with. A larger part of you is terribly afraid you will blurt it out at the wrong time, wrong place and ruin everything.

There are no guidelines, or whatever guidelines there were, you missed it because when they were teaching it in school, you were probably out sick. All the awkwardness that you were supposed to get out of the system a long time ago, well, you never did, it's still there, all of it. You could be fast approaching 30, established in something; nonetheless when "it"comes up, you are relegated to being that tongue tied, self-aware, internal monolog spewing, antsy kid that you were throughout middle school to college.

As dashing, or charming or confident as you may come across, or believe yourself to be, the reality is you are still that insecure teenager when it comes to such matters. A kid hoping fate will bat its eyes at you and say today is your lucky day. But there are no such signs... or is there? Some say you will know it when the time is right... but what if you are prone to false alarms, and false starts? What if you have grown so accustomed to ignoring or over-reacting, so much so that you missed the real thing when it comes by... then you are left there standing alone in a crowded room feeling lonely, not sure what to do, holding back, hoping the "next time" it will be more clearer and you will act more readily upon it.

Maybe you will grow out of it, get over it, settle for something else... or maybe not, who knows? But it would be a sad commentary wouldn't it, to feel so resigned. And so, we are back to square one, there are things you wanted to say, but you are not sure how it will come across...