We are all here because we are not all there

I wish I can tell you that when you have reached a certain point in life you would have things all figured out. But that's not true, you see, just when you think you have got it, life throws a little something in your way.  If you are lucky, it may deter you a bit. If you are not, then you find yourself at the drawing boards right quick wondering how it all went wrong.

That's the thing they don't teach you in school. In school, there's a rubric to success. You study, you get the grades, you get the accolades,  and you graduate until you can't anymore.  At least, it feels that way.

But in life, life has a slightly different set of rules... well, more like guidelines.  In life, working hard doesn't always equate to success. At least not always in a cause and effect kind of way.  Sometimes, try as you may, life doesn't always work out the way you figured it to. Then, it becomes existential.

I know this doesn't sound comforting, but bear with me, you see, while life does not get necessary easier,  or you eventually having it all figured out, you do get better at handling it, and that in itself is the goal of it - being able to know that come what may, you'll be ok, you will handle it.

That's the message we have missed in school. It was never about the grades, the trophies, or popularity. It was about you finding it in you to struggle with a tough concept. It was about you learning to reach out to teachers, and friends when you needed the help, to recognize what the right people looked like that you needed to build your village in years to come. And yes, chances are you will need to keep rebuilding that village again and again as people come and go, people change, you change. 

It is about learning how to find you in the midst of puberty, hormonal changes, and synaptic realignment.  People kept telling me middle school was hell because it was awkward, and it was a confusing time. But that's because it is built around the myth that adulthood meant stability,  that maturity is attained. 

The truth is we don't stop growing, and those situations we dread in middle school, the toxic personalities,  the tough teachers, the hard classes, the social awkwardness, those are all occurring still, albeit in different shapes and sizes, and different scenarios.  Look carefully though,  look deep, and you will recognize the familiarity of it all.

So... will we ever figure it out? I hope not, because chances are we will be dead. I mean it, life isn't about having it all figured out, and having your stuff out together. No, that is the byproduct.  Life is about getting to know yourself and constantly modifying your abilities to get closer to the real you. The one who is not daunted by circumstances, that refuses be deterred. It is about looking back and not being ashamed of the awkward teenager that you once were, or regret what you have not become.  Life is about trusting yourself to know you can love without reserve, be hurt, be vulnerable,  and still come out the other side just fine. Because at the end of the day, even if you never have your stuff together, even if you don't have it all figured out, intrinsically you are still loved, valued, relatable, and validated. Because at the end of the day, none of us have it all together, none of us have it figured out. But we are in it together, and we put our heads together and will try to figure it out.

In the meantime, loosen up, liven up, but don't worry about living it up to some standards but your own. 

People change and we love them still

People change. We change. We need to accept that, otherwise we hold onto an image and confine it to something which it no longer is. That's how we grow apart from people we love, when we fail to account for their change and be disappointed that they no longer fit in our idea of them, and vice versa.

That's like holding on to a photograph of a much younger you and refusing to ever let another picture be taken of you again. Think of what the world would miss out? Sure, your skin may no longer be as smooth, life and age leave their mark. But that picture of the older you, it would have told a different story - one worth telling and listened. It shows you wiser because you dared to live, to love, to venture out, be bold, be scared, cried, laughed. It's all there, and it is glorious. I guarantee it.

Look, if we can accept that we can love our children as they go through their different stages of life, why not the same with ourselves and with the people around us. They grow, they change, and we embrace that and love them still. Because love is not stagnant but ever evolving. The fun part of love is loving and learning how to love over and over again simply because the love you have had a week ago, yesterday, a second ago is not the exact same as it will be. It shouldn't be because you and the people you love are not the same with each passing moment. The essence is still there, but the person changes, as do you. Love grows and it accepts.

Hindsight is 2020

As the hue of the sky transition from the radiant orange of dawn to the subtle mauve of dusk so it is that we find ourselves one night closer to where the difference of a day means not just a day, but a new month, a new year, and a new decade.  

In the lull that exists between the high holidays and the beckoning of a new year, it is customary if not innate to our nature that we take a quiet moment to reflect upon the time that has passed and to judge how we measure up.  I pray it will not be a disquieting endeavour, and that you will remain most gentle and kind to yourself throughout the process.  For we are at our most vulnerable in the honest hours between dusk and dawn, when there is nothing to distract us from our inner voices.  

Obviously, there will be numerous examples of imperfections and shortcomings, of foibles and missed opportunities - that's all good, all the reasons to improve upon in the coming year.  But don't be overly self-critical that you invite unnecessary regrets and grief.  Nor allow yourself to be bowed low by any lack of closure, unresolved circumstances, inexplicable experiences, and ineffable emotions.  For if you really look at it, time is a human construct, life moves on, and we cycle through.  

In the words of Alexander Dumas, 
“There is neither happiness nor misery in the world; there is only the comparison of one state with another, nothing more. He who has felt the deepest grief is best able to experience supreme happiness. We must have felt what it is to die, Morrel, that we may appreciate the enjoyments of life. Live, then, and be happy, beloved children of my heart, and never forget, that until the day God will deign to reveal the future to man, all human wisdom is contained in these two words, 'Wait and Hope.'” 

So it is, my dear friends and family, as you are reading this, that I wish for you in these moments of reflection that you do not give in to despair, nor cave to the "new year new you" mentality to the point that you seek to remove the "old you".  May you find that you are good enough, that your potentials are infinite.  Most importantly, despite what, where, and how you feel you may be lacking, the truth is you are wholesome in my eyes and remain ever so loved. 

I can't wait to hear from you this time next year, I am sure 2020 will be one great year to look back on -  after all, it is truly the year of hindsight.

Make mistakes

I know I am still relatively young, but if there is something I would have liked to tell me younger self it would have been, "I wish you to make more mistakes, or at least have the courage to do so."

You see, we have worked too hard to be prepared, be perfect, to go through life unscathed; and in a way we have been successful, ta-da? But we have been too successful, and because of that we have failed as we remain relatively untried, naive, and easily brought low by circumstances.

I wish you have been more brazen, that you would have gone up to a girl, ask her out, fall madly in love, and be utterly crushed when it didn't work out. I wish you would dared to have taken that random road trip, got on a bus, got utterly lost and had to figure your way back. I wish you would have bought that ticket, flown to a place where you don't know the language, hop on to trains, and visit with people and places that you will never forget.

I wish you have made more mistakes because sometimes life is about blundering through, finding out you were wrong but growing stronger because of it. I wish you have made more mistakes when you have the chance because chances are they would have led to greater things.

I wish you would have made more mistakes when we were younger, because boy it is getting increasingly harder to bounce back as we grow older.

But don't you fret, you remain my inner child, and together we will refuse to be set in our ways, and together we will try not to shy away from future mistakes in hope they will lead us to be a better, polished, well-rounded, wisen person.

Zen - Fear

Teacher: What is the thing you feared most?

Student: That I will not be there when my family needed me the most.

Teacher: Is it really?

Student: That I am not there when my friends needed me the most.

Teacher: Is it really?

Student: That nobody is there when I needed them the most.

Teacher: Is it really?

Student: That I am not there for myself when I needed it most.

Teacher: Ah, there it is.

Understanding perspectives

One of the things I like about my drive to DC on 95 is catching a glimpse of this temple just outside the beltway. As you are coming in from the north, it suddenly looms in front of you, and you think it is dead ahead. Then as you follow the curve of the road, it feels like it is going to be on your left. Then, once you get even closer, you realize it is actually going to be on the right.

I have always been tickled by that, how our perceptions can be so easily manipulated, and that true understanding only becomes clear as we draw near.  Life is filled with such incidences where we feel we know something or expect something just by a precursory glance, but then as we approach closer to the subject, study it, we find our objectives altered.

So... be open to the fact that our perspectives can be changed. Understand that misunderstandings can occurred simply because there is so much to understand - about people, about lives. Our realities shift based upon where we stand, where we are along the journey. What is real to us at a moment in time can be different to the next.  Remember that when speaking with others about their realities.

Kuntsugi -The Art of Being Broken

Growing up I like taking things apart. Clocks, radios, calculators, if they have screws, I have a screwdriver ready. In the process I have voided many warranties while never quite able to put things back together the way they were, not to mention getting them to work ever again. I think it was a source of frustration for my parents.

I suppose it is a sickness, the curiosity to want to know how things work without the wherewithal to ensure they stay working once I have taken them apart. They say if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Boy do I have trouble with that first part. I seem to have the proclivity to break things, take them apart. Things that were perfectly working well ruined because I couldn't leave well enough alone.

One would have hoped that I have become adept at fixing things, but the truth is all I have become is being really really well-acquainted with brokenness. I am a connoisseur of damaged goods, and chief amongst them, myself. I know a lot of the mistakes, missteps, and mishaps. Probably because I have made most of them at one point or another.

I have acquired a whole myriad of ways to be wrong, utterly and profusely wrong. And when I look deep into my soul, I see the many patches that covered old voids from when I crashed, burned, and shattered.

That being said, I hope I never stop having the courage and the curiosity to tease things apart, or risk being hurt in the search for better understanding. No matter how much it may backfire. We can't always fix things, we may not even be able to glue back the pieces together. What matters is we dare to do better. And maybe, just maybe, we keep all the pieces together in the likelihood a fellow tinkerer comes along and fix it once and for all.