White

Here is the thing America, you claim yourself to be the nation of Red, White, and Blue. Central to all of that is the colour White, and do you know what white really means? White reflects light and constitutes the presence of all colours. You may think it means white power, white privilege, but the truth is you shine best when you embrace all colours, all nationalities, all ethnicities, all identities. 

This nation is the nation of the Statue of Liberty whose raised beacon has guided all who yearn for hope, freedom, and equality through the years to its shore. This nation that boasts the stars, something that sailors have used for millennia to chart their way to far off places and return home. This nation of stripes that encompasses all walks of life. You cannot proudly fly that flag of yours and not realize what it truly stands for. 

So don't shout down the voices of others, don't let your right infringe upon the rights of others. Instead, be open, be welcoming, be land of the free, for the free. Be home of the brave, to those who have braved obstacles to reach here, to those are brave enough to face the changes that the worlds have to offer and seek newer horizons. That is the greatness of America that I have come to know. That is the America that embraces the world.

Edge

Sometime ago during graduate school a part of me died, or maybe it is on life support.  I dont know.  I was at my peak; I have found something I was actually really good at, and for the first time in my life I didn't feel stupid. It was wonderful,  and then abruptly and abrasively that joy was wrenched from me by toxic personalities and wretched circumstances.  I'd like to say I carried through with dignity, I held my head up high.  But the truth is I feel damaged, never quite whole because a better side of me was sacrificed to survive.

I'd like to say I have made a full recovery. I'd like to say I am a well adjusted individual, and that I have made it a mission to prevent what happened to me from happening others. On the surface it looks good, I am in a good place, great colleagues, nice paycheck. teaching again etc. But the truth is there are still those dark moments, when that inner voice turns ugly.  There is a part of me that I have to keep in check constantly so no one can get near and be hurt, because it is dark and scary whatever it is that lurks in the labyrinthine I have built from defensive mechanism upon defensive mechanism. Gallow humour, bad puns, excuses, deflections, projections, and transference, I have used them all. I went through the medical student syndrome equivalent while reading through DSM- V.

Why am I writing all of this? I am not sure, maybe just to get it off my chest. Perhaps you will see me differently.  I know if I put all of my friends in a room together, a casual observer can almost mark the timeline in which happy-go-lucky and sweet Andy became goofy, guarded and flaky Andy.  I still smile and laugh a lot, but as my mentor who knew me from before graduate school has observed, that laughter has a harsher edge to it, and maybe it will always be so.