Remember when you were a kid and you have those bad dreams. Not dreams even, but revelations to the harsh realities of life. Like that one night when you suddenly realize that people die, that loved ones may leave you. You don’t know why, you were a happy kid, no pressing worries, not a care in the world until that point – 2am in the morning. You woke up, drenched in sweat, dazed, scared, off-balanced. You probably won’t recall the whole thing the next morning. You would probably move on as if nothing has happened. But for that one hour, that one hour, it was all too real. The fear, oh that overpowering fear, it clinches you ever so tightly. You don’t know what to do , where to go, except to feel it, face it. You don’t even realize you were whimpering until your parents overheard you and came to your room. Ah, what a saving grace that was, them materializing just when you needed them to. Just by being there, their presence calming, their words soothing, the depressing gloom was shattered. Eventually you would nod off, faith restored.
How I wish it was so today. Today, I can no longer tell what is bad dream and what is not. Life… life feels like a dream, especially the good stuff. It’s a house of cards. It’s karma, with each additional card to the stack, the desire for it to stay intact becomes greater. And the impact, no, the fear that it will all tumble down becomes even more salient. I know this is true because here I am, living a fantastic life. I know I have not taken it for granted. I know I have worked hard to show my appreciation for it. Yet, it doesn’t change the fact that there are moments when I am just terribly afraid, paralyzed that all this will be taken from me like G-d to Job. There doesn’t need to be rhyme and reason, but there it is, the revelation that everything is ephemeral- friends, career, school, opportunities. Despite the many blessings, I cannot shake off the fear. It is so real at times… too real even. The irony, the better it gets, the more seem to be at stake, and one day, just like today, I find myself scared it will all crumble down like it was never there before.
