It has gotten quite chilly today, I had to sit in the car for ten minutes before I could drive it as there was this thin layer of ice/frost on the windshield and the back windows... and the door handles were jammed too by frost. Driving so far has been fun, it saves time, and I enjoy the feeling of freedom that it offers... although I must confess I am not the best driver out there, I definitely do a lot of stupid little things. I thank whoever is watching over me... you know, sometimes I just have the feeling that I have a guardian angel of some sort. When I look back at my life, I recall many incidences in which my life could have ended in seconds but didn't. If I have the chance to meet my guardian, I would like to ask it/him/her "was I worth it?"...
What does each extra moment given mean? Why was I saved from all those near death experiences? As I sat and ponder these questions, I came to realize that I no longer held onto the believe there exists such thing as pre-mature death. Sounds strange, but for some reason, I have come to the conclusion that Death makes no mistakes, that what we consider a pre-mature/dying of un-natural cause is not really as untimely as we think it is. I think each death, just as each life, has a purpose, a meaning, a reason. One which we may never comprehend. A child dying of a disease, a youth/adult/genius brought down in their prime, even deaths of natural disaster and/or violence is not as sudden and unexpected if we step back and acknowledge that in the grand schema of things it has to happen one way or another. So now we are stuck with the question of how we deal with it.
It is no longer a problem of "if we die" but a question of "when I die". When you are done, you are done, that is it. So what does all this living mean? Determinists may look upon this as evidence that we are damned from the beginning, that at any given point in time, we are provided with a or multiple false choice(s), and one forced choice until we are eventually led to conclude our lives in one final foot-stop or period. Yet, I choose to see this ephemeral existence as an exemplary of where free will is definitely important. Given the limitations that is life in its evanescent form, our life choices are given more weight... and it is within these very boundaries of our metaphysical restraints that we found the unlimited possibilities of how we can choose to change our "process outcome", and make our living moment more meaningful. From the movie of Legend of 1900 came the following quote
"Take a piano. The keys begin, the keys end. You know there are eighty-eight of them, nobody can tell you any different. They are not infinite. You are infinite. And on these keys the music that you can make is infinite. I like that. That I can live by.
You get me up on that gangway and you're rolling out in front of me a keyboard of millions of keys, millions and billions of keys that never end, and that's the truth, Max. That they never end. That keyboard is infinite. And if that keyboard is infinite, then on that keyboard there is no music you can play. You're sitting on the wrong bench. That's God's piano. "
Our lives is very much a music score awaiting to be written, we must first comply to the regulations of tonal theory, establishing a key in which we choose to orchestra our master-piece. We will then follow a certain time signature, setting up "milestones" in form of bars in which we fit in certain number of notes and beats. We will have to end the piece... or we can live it like an "Unfinished Symphony" Yet given all the setting up from the beginning, we can still choose to change key and time signature mid way through the piece. The point is, we are the composer of a sheet music that God has given us graciously to write on... and if you refute this, that ultimately God is the grand composer, and the score is written... it is still up to us the musicians who choose to interpret it in whichever way we want. Like Mozart's rendition and variations of "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" (which by the way is the same melody for the Alphabet Song and numerous other songs), we too can choose to be creative and choose our variations of how our lives play out. Or, we can even be like John Cage's "3:44" and let our lives be a silent tribute of boundless possibilities.
If we look at our lives as being more meaningful given the freedom to choose, then one may argue that death of sudden nature denies that freedom of choice and rip the life it has taken of its meaning. I find that it is not true. When our hearts are sadden by the nature of death, or just death in general, it serves to remind us that the sadness in someone's absence is actually quite proportionate to the happiness/contentment we feel during that person's presence. That is to say, our sadness stem from our lost of someone who has touched us, moved us and created meaning in us... it is in fact a testimony of what they meant, and given the fact that they had little time to really choose, they still have inspired purpose in the little time allotted to them. Death then should be seen as an occasion in which we rejoice the miracle of life. Death should be a time when we express grieve over a lost, but at the same time rejoice in the memory of a life lived to fullest potential that it is enough to cause us grieve... sounds fatalistic? Perhaps... but I like to see it the way of a New Orleans Funeral March. It start with a somber procession, as we mourn and carry our dead to their resting place. As the funeral progressed, we find ourselves in a more jolly movement, a celebration of a life, and share happiness in a soul finding a joyous end/destination.
So as I sat in my car, I ponder did I lead a good life? Will my passing into another realm cause as many tears? And will each tear that fall nourish the seed of happiness/sweetness that the memory of my life have planted in those whom hold me dear? I know not when this life would end, but I would at least know I have chosen to do what I deem best of my capabilities, and led a meaningful life.
